“Where there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” – African proverb
Healthy self-esteem and a confident self-image are among the most important skills we can teach young people today as they face the challenges of a new decade and a constantly changing world. Yet they are skills that are often overlooked in main-stream education and their development left to chance.
Research undertaken over many years has indicated that people with a strong sense of self-esteem and the ability to focus positively on their attributes and skills are much happier and lead more satisfying and successful lives than their counterparts with low self-esteem and lack of confidence.
Parents have the major part to play in the development of their children’s self-esteem to ensure that they are well equipped to deal with whatever life throws at them.
It sounds easy doesn’t it?......It’s not. Here are some of the ways you can boost your child’s self-esteem.
◦ Praise your child for good behaviour. Look for opportunities to positively comment on the things they are doing well. Take the time to notice. We manage to notice when the behaviour is not good and we need to correct it. We often take good behaviour for granted as something that SHOULD happen!
◦ If you need to change a behaviour, focus on the BEHAVIOUR not on the CHILD. It’s the behaviour you don’t like, you still love the child. For example; instead of saying something like “I don’t like your attitude.” Say “I don’t like you speaking to me in that tone of voice.”
◦ When your child makes a mistake, help them to learn from it by discussing what happened and what could happen next time (if there is one). No matter how tempting, avoid saying “I told you so.” It’s so unhelpful, even if you did, and you hated it didn’t you?
◦ Acknowledge effort, even if the result isn’t great. When something doesn’t work, it’s not a failure. Some of the world’s greatest inventors failed many, many times.
◦ Allow your child to be right sometimes. Help them to develop their communication skills by persuading you that their way will work.
◦ Pick your battles. Allow your child to win sometimes. Choose those battles carefully. A safe battle may be the perennial battle over homework. We can nag all we like and talk about the consequence of what might happen at school if homework is not done and still not get through. Allowing your child to discover those consequences for themselves may have more effect on the future behaviour than your nagging. It’s a safe lesson in consequences.
◦ Take an interest in what your child is doing – before they become teenagers. If you start when they’re young, it’s normal and is less likely to be viewed as intrusive when they hit their teenage years. The same applies to the next point.
◦ Spend time with your child. Time spent with a parent is what will be remembered far more than material things.
◦ Attend as many of your child’s activities as possible. Mum and Dad on the sidelines, or in the front row will be remembered for life.
◦ Learn new things together – you’ll have fun too.
◦ Give lots of cuddles and encouragement. A hug and words of encouragement, particularly when things go wrong will help your young one keep things in perspective.
◦ Listen – actively listen – to your child. We’re all busy so sometimes you’ll need to MAKE the time to listen. Make sure you listen to the non-verbal communication (the body language) as this is often where the true meaning lies.
◦ Show that you make mistakes too and role model how to deal with them. IF you don’t throw your hands up in horror, your child will learn not to do that too. Conversely, if you give up at the first hurdle, they will learn that too.
◦ Encourage your child to mix with others. Make your home a fun, safe place that their friends will want to visit.
◦ Find the positive in every experience, including the bad ones. Bad experiences can offer good learning and opportunities to explore other ways of operating.
Working with your child to develop healthy self-esteem and confidence will also help
you to maintain your own.
Understanding Attitude
We’ve all heard the statement “your attitude is your most priceless possession” and we may have also been guilty of saying something like “I don’t like your attitude,” perhaps to our children, friends and family members, perhaps to our employees.
How helpful is that statement? The short answer is “it’s not – at all.” We have no idea what it really means, so when we hear those words, we often take a step back and think that the person just doesn’t like us and that perhaps if we avoid them for a while, it’ll be OK; only it isn’t and yet we still don’t know what it is that we need to change.
The “I don’t like your attitude” or “change your attitude” messages can strike at the very core of our being – our self-esteem. Sometimes, they can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-talk messages like “I’m not good enough.”
Let’s have a look at the things that contribute to our attitude by first defining what attitude is: our attitude is what other people see based on our communication both verbal and non-verbal. Our communication is influenced by our self-esteem, self-knowledge and self-confidence. It’s like a step ladder with our attitude on the top rung and our self-esteem on the bottom.
So, let’s have a look at the bottom rung of the step ladder – our self-esteem. This is how we feel about ourselves, which of course, is influenced by other people’s opinion of us, and unfortunately other people’s opinions often carry more weight than what we know to be true ourselves. Positive self-esteem is all about liking ourselves exactly as we are today, warts and all. It’s about accepting ourselves for who we are and what we are, and choosing to make the most of our strengths. It’s about valuing our worth as an individual.
For our self-esteem to be healthy, it’s important to recognise the types of messages we feed ourselves. Ask yourself this question – are your self-talk messages mostly positive? Or are they mostly negative? Be honest with yourself, but don’t worry if many of your self-talk messages are negative. The good news is that you can change them by working on framing positive affirmations. Affirmations are short sentences that begin with the word “I”. They are always worded in the present tense as if they are already true. Visualising the person that you want to be can also help. Visualise the complete person. What strengths does this person that you want to be have? What qualities do they have? How would it feel to be that person? Now use your imagination to see yourself as that person. Remember you are not seeing yourself as going to be that person – you ARE that person. Imagine that you are seeing that person – yourself – on a big screen and imprint the image into your mind. Then visit the movie theatre in your head several times every day. See and feel what it is like to be that person. Gradually, you will become that person. We all have the ability to become who we want to be if we want it badly enough.
Rung two on the step ladder is our self-knowledge. This is what we know about ourselves. Do we understand what pushes our “hot buttons” and makes us angry? Do we know what pushes our “feel good buttons?” and how do we attract more of what makes is feel good into our lives?
One way is to work on your B.A.G every week. What are the BEST things that’ve happened to you this week? What are your ACCOMPLISHMENTS? – the things you’ve done that you’re proud of. And what GOALS do you have for the next week? – the things you’d like to work on. And when you’re setting your goals, make them STAR Goals.
The “S” stands for SPECIFIC. You must clearly define your goal. If you’re not clear, how will you know when you’ve achieved it?
“T” stands for TIMED. Do you have a time frame for achieving your goal? Is it next week? Next month? Next year? Having a time frame keeps you on track and helps to keep you motivated.
“A” standing for ATTAINABLE. Can you attain your goal? Is it realistic?
And the “R” stands for RELEVANT. Is your goal relevant to you? Is it one you’ve set for yourself? Or is it one someone else has set for you? You are more likely to achieve your own goals.
The next rung on the step ladder is SELF-CONFIDENCE. Self-confidence is what other people see, and sometimes you feel. Develop positive thinking and use affirmations to develop your confidence. Accept compliments gracefully when they are given and take them on board to help boost your confidence levels. Sometimes self-confidence is about acting. What does a confident person look like? Act like? Sound like? Visualise yourself as that person and over time, you will begin to assume those characteristics.
How confident you feel determines how well you COMMUNICATE – the next rung on the step ladder.
Communication is always about the received message. The best way to check that you’ve got the right message is to paraphrase (repeat back what you’ve heard) to the other person. If you haven’t got it quite right, don’t worry, the other person will correct you. With paraphrasing, both of you can feel comfortable that you’ve truly understood each other and if you haven’t, you have an opportunity to correct the message so that you do.
These four things, your SELF-ESTEEM, your SELF-KNOWLEDGE, your SELF-CONFIDENCE and your COMMUNICATION all feed into determining your ATTITUDE, which is what other people base their opinion of you on
So, if we want our ATTITUDE to be bright and positive, we need to make sure that we continually work to keep our self-esteem strong and our self-talk messages positive.
Start today by listening to yourself and editing out messages that are negative and don’t support your desire to have a healthy positive self-esteem. Continually strive to learn more about yourself, more about your feelings and desires, your beliefs and values, your confidence and continually work to improve your communication skills. Remember that when you understand what makes you feel good, you encourage more of that into your life. And when you possess a positive attitude, you will draw people to you, people who will help you to be all that you dream of.
Good luck!